Saturday, August 30, 2008

Being the 29th of August 2008....

A gardener was at his labours in his master's garden when Death appeared to him...
The horrified gardener ran to his master and said...
"Master, master I have seen Death in your garden. Give me a horse that I might escape his cold clutches..."
"Why certainly you may take a horse, but where will you ride...?" Asked the master...
"I will ride to the city of Chichester and hide myself up within it's strong walls..." Replied the frightened wretch...
Away went the gardener on his master's horse cutting the whip deep...
The master then took a turn about his garden and he to meet Death...
With anger fuelled courage the master strode up to Death and demanded to know why he had scared his gardener so...
"To be honest" said Death "I was quite taken aback to meet a man I have an appointment with tonight at the City Folk Club in Chichester..."

Over to Jimmy Saville O.B.E....

"Now then, now then boys and gals what did the lovely people sing this week...?"

Chutney On My Spats: David
Stonewalling: Mave
Factory Girl: Adrian
Till The Stars Fall From The Sky: Yvonne/Mike
You Are My Heroine: Mike
The King Of Rome: John
Try A Little Tenderness: George
The Mary Ellen Carter: Ken/Mave
Silver Dagger: Anne
O Sole Mio (Parody Version): Gerry
Parody of Famous Folk Song: Jenny/Gerry
All My Love: Bill 2
Winchester Cathedral: Brenda/Berry
Whispering: Berry
Wild Mountain Thyme: Jane/Dave
The Rose: Lynda
Bold General Wolfe: Colin
Multiplication: Paul
Fare Thee Well Dearest Nancy: David
Sea Cruise: Ken/Berry
A Rovin': (Naughty) Mave
House Carpenter: Adrian
Whiskery Bob: Yvonne/Mike
The Fields of Athenry: ?
Goodbye My Nancy O: John
It's Only A Paper Moon: George
Where Are You Tonight: Anne
?: Gerry
?: Jenny/Gerry
Today I Killed A Man: Bill 2
Travellin' Light: Berry

"Uh-ooo-uh-ooo-uh_ooo thanks very much to the lovely Ladies and Gentlemen..."

Word Of The Week:

Friday, August 22, 2008

Being the 22nd of August 2008

Since abandoning his employment as a greased pig wrestler, after an unpleasant incident with a Gloucestershire Old Spot, Enoch Baines had fallen on hard times.
Winter was fast approaching and he knew the tattered rags that hung around him would be scant protection against the cold in his wattle and daub lean-to hard by the banks of the dismal canal.
It would be no understatement to describe his prospects as bleak.
Stumbling from the Horse and Rolling Pin public house one evening Enoch tripped on an unseen object on the filthy pavement.
A startled cry, and he found himself standing on a small trolly heading at great speed toward the gutter. With the aid of a nearby lamp-post Enoch stayed his impromptu trajectory the trolly took flight then landed, smashing to pieces on the cobbled street. Regaining his balance he turned to look at the obstacle that had caused this unexpected mishap.
Slumped on the flagstones was a truncated shabby figure holding what appeared to be a corrugated leather stomach and shrieking invective toward him...
"Why You dozy cove, look where your a'stepping lest I fetch you a drubbing an no mistake"...
Was the nubbin of the unfortunate's tirade...
Gathering his befuddled wits Enoch muttered his embarrassed contrition and set about assisting the sprawled figure attain an upright posture.
After ten minutes of cursing from the one and apologies from the other an uneasy accord was met and introductions made.
"I am Enoch Bains former greased pig wrestler to whom might I be speaking?"
"I am non other than Monsewer (sic) Albert Clamp Legless Concertina player to the crowned heads of Europe currently reduced to busking in the street on account of the fickle nature of stardom". Rattled out the aggrieved party.
"Where's me trolly?'
The two scanned the street they're eyes simultaneously alighting on the broken trolly surveying it with growing dismay.
"An' 'ow do you propose I am to get to me lodgings now mister?" said Clamp in a forlorn whine.
Enoch stood in thought awhile then announced,
"Why, I shall carry you for 'tis the least I can do."
"The very least!" said Clamp "but sufficient."
Hoisting the grumbling amputee on to his shoulders Enoch set off in the instructed direction swaying under the weight of Clamp and the influence of alcohol.
To inspire confidence in his burden Enoch began to whistle.
Clamp, his upset subsiding, eventually took up Enoch's shrill melody on the concertina.
After several hundred yards of swaying, blowing and squeezing the odd pair had attracted a small crowd of puzzled onlookers who followed them down the street.
When they reached the pump in the town square Enoch stopped momentarily to check his balance and catch breath before the final leg of the journey whereupon the gathered throng broke into wild applause all the while showering them both with coins. "Cripes!" said Clamp "we're on to something 'ere lad"
"Quick, to the City Folk Club...!"

Now memorise this list in case you need an alibi for the peelers....

Staggerlee: David
Hello Mary Lou: Paul
About A Quarter To Nine: Berry
The Streets Of London: Les
Somewhere Along The Road: Eddie
The Day That The Circus Left Town: Maggie
Georgia On My Mind: George
Rambling Boy: Ray
How Can I Keep From Singing? : Lynda
Bonny Kate: Bill
The Happy Man: Colin
Man Of The World: Roger
When I'm Dead and Gone: David
It's Over: Paul
Ain't She Sweet? : Berry
Some Gave All: Les
The Night Is Young: Eddie
Apres Moi: Maggie
The Autumn Leaves: Paul/George
Home Lads Home: Ray
Mary Lou: Bill
The Heart is True: Colin
No Regrets: Roger
A Kind of Hush: Berry
Your Cheating Heart: Ensemble
Rolling Home: Ray

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Being the 15th of August 2008

If, like me, you are continually accosted by slumped mendicants in public thoroughfares and asked ...
"I'm thinking of visiting the City Folk Club."
"What should I bring with me...?"
By consulting the following handy list you may now answer the enquiry with confidence...
So here are the ten essential items that any potential visitor, wishing to fully participate in an evening at the City Folk Club, should bring with them:

01) An Articulated Boot Choker
02) A Deafening Extrasensory Funnel
03) Some Granulated Horse Ink
04) A Jiggery-pokery Kettle
05) A Lapwing Mallet
06) A Notched Offal Pump
07) A Questionable Revolving Snorkel
08) A Triangular Undergrowth Ventilator
09) A Wretched X-Ray Yogurt Zapper
And finally...
10) £1.50

Bang a gong and get it on...

Be My Baby: David
Your Mother and I: Paul
The Weary Cutters: Colin
Gartan Mothers Lullaby: Jane/Colin
To Know Him is to Love Him: Jane/Dave
Love For Sale: Maggie
Where Have All the Flowers Gone: Les
The Windmills of Your Mind: George
Handbags and Gladrags: Mick
Corrina Corrina: Max
What Shall I Write: Phine
Morningtown Ride: Opal
Fields of Gold: Jane
Late October: David
All Sportsmen Arouse: Colin
Angel Band: Jane/Dave
When I was a Young Girl: Maggie
Yesterday: Les
Can't Help Loving That Man Of Mine: George
Shuffle Rag: Mick
Let's Keep it That Way: Phine
You've Got A Friend: Opal
She Moved Through The Fair: Jane
She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain: Les
Diddy Wha Diddy: Paul
Blues in E: Jane/ensemble
Cry Me A River: George
Cincinnati Flo Rag: Mick
Tolpuddle Man: Jane

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Being the 8th of August 2008...

Oh! 8 Oh! 8 Oh! 8...

Dr. Sebag Mayberry-Quinn, natural philosopher, was a driven man...
How long had he been here alone in his laboratory...?
Allowing no natural light to penetrate his fevered labouring the interminable progression of night and day had long since ceased to influence his world. He no longer had cognisance of either...
He was close now, he was so very close...
Dr. Sebag Mayberry-Quinn took stock of his eldritch industry, the product of many years of work stood before him. Half a beaker of green fluid...

Screwing his courage to the sticking place, Dr. Sebag Mayberry-Quinn lifted the draught to his lips and supped deeply then waited, waited and waited...
Five minutes elapsed, nothing... nothing at all...
Dashing the beaker to the ground he swore vigourously then, like a far off messenger running toward him at great speed, he felt a rising sensation overtake his sensibilities. A vast, overwhelming tide of horror ripped through his every fibre and sinew, his mouth sprang open, let out an inhuman guttural bellowing roar and he collapsed to the floor writhing in agony...
Darkness fell suddenly on the mind of Dr. Sebag Mayberry-Quinn and he was still...

An hour later two red-rimmed eyes opened and took unblinking stock of their surroundings yet registered no recognition. The creature that emerged from the tattered remains of Dr. Sebag Mayberry-Quinn's clothing stood up, shook itself violently then stumbled toward the full-length mirror behind the door and stared and stared...
There was a moments uneasy stillness then pandemonium..!
The creature careened and whirled about the laboratory smashing equipment and furniture in a fit of incandescent rage...

The door to the lab opened tentatively and the head of Mrs. Hilda Ingham, the doctor's housekeeper, poked through and surveyed the scene of destruction with mouth gaping alarm....
"Wot on 'erf is a going on 'ere?" she cried.. She caught sight of the beast, now stood atop the bookcase.... "Good 'eavens! 'Ow on 'erf did you get in 'ere?" In one swift movement she was across the room and had the creature by the neck....
"There'll be 'ell to pay when the Doctor gets back an' no mistake." " Ow am I gonna explain a chicken getting loose an' a wrecking 'is room...?" "Still it be easier explained over a nice roast chicken I'll wager..."

Dr. Sebag Mayberry-Quinn, natural philosopher, swinging limply from his housekeeper's stout hand, knew then that he would miss tonight's City Folk Club....

Now dig this....

Here Comes My Baby: David/Paul
The Rights Of Man: Jerry
The Bonny Light Horseman: Jenny/Jerry
Just A Simple Love Song: Yvonne/Mike
Changing Of The Year: Mike
I Don't Know How To Love Him: George
The Maid Behind The Bar: Mick
After The Ball Was Over: Ray
The Swallow Song: Anne
Romeo and Juliet: Roger
A World Without Love: Brenda/Berry
I Wish I Was 18 Again: Berry
Sin City: Jane/Dave
Shortenin' Bread: Lynda's Mum
Angel Of The Morning: Lynda/Mick
Only The Lonely: Paul
Lullaby Of Birdland: Lucy
Under The Bridges Of Paris: Maggie
My Flower, My Companion And Me: Mave
Lola: David
Off To California: Jerry
The Shipyard Apprentice: Jenny/Jerry
Someone To Watch Over Me: George
Out Of The Blue: Mick
The Gypsy Rover: Ray
The Grey Cock: Anne
Waltzing's For Dreamers: Roger
I'll See You In My Dreams: Berry
Let's Go Fly A Kite: Jane/Dave
There But For Fortune: Lynda/Paul
Tickle Me: Paul
Love Letters Straight From Your Heart: Lucy/Roger

Why not come back for more stuffing next week...?

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Being the 1st of August 2008

Having dined on a selection of cold meats & savage mustards followed by a cold rice pudding, Mr. Alfred Higgins Esq. pushed himself back from the table, belched lightly into his napkin and addressed his wife...
"Mrs. Higgins, I feel the breath of the muse upon my soul and must exercise my talent..."
Mrs. Higgins stared at her uneaten rice pudding feeling that familiar rising unease that inevitably followed her husband's now all-too-frequent announcement...
"Must you, Mr. Higgins?" she implored earnestly, her fragile composure in danger of shattering at any moment...
"Mrs. Higgins. You know I am unable to control the beast once I have heard its cry."
"Now be so kind as to draw the curtains firmly shut so we may begin..."
Ever the dutiful wife, Mrs. Higgins went about her allotted task whilst Mr. Higgins fished about in his undershirt for the bunch of keys that unlocked the gateway to his personal paradise...
His hands trembled slightly, beads of perspiration formed on his brow...
Reaching under the sideboard Mr. Higgins withdrew a sinister elongated black leather-bound case..
Mrs. Higgins, unbidden, covered the photo of her long dead mother with an antimacassar from the best armchair and offered up a silent prayer for her own salvation...
Mr. Higgins, his eyes popping, the veins on his forehead bulging horribly, unlocked the case, flipped the clasps, threw open the lid, grasped hold of his foul instrument, turned to his wife and said with a leer, "what's it be tonight then Mrs. Higgins..?"
"Every Friday night the same" Mrs. Higgins thought, "Every Friday night the same..."
Then her suppressed rage burst its banks, gushing forth, uncontrollable, unstoppable, the words tumbling over each other in a tirade of unbridled disgust...
"Why can't you and your filthy banjo just sod off up the City Folk Club...?"

Eyes down, look in...

I Want To Marry A Lighthouse Keeper: Yvonne
Whiskery Bob: Mike
Lady Of Autumn: Eddie
The Downfall Of Paris: Jerry
The Month Of January: Jenny
Raining In My Heart: Brenda/Berry
Julia Clifford's Polka: Mick
This Time: Berry
Puff The Magic Dragon: Les
Frying In The Rain: Mave
Johnny Sands And Betsy Haigh: Bill
A Thousand Years: Paul
Jimmy Newman: Ken
Outward Bound: Lynda/Paul
Oh! Susanna: Jane/Dave
His Latest Flame: Paul
The End Of The World: Lynda/Paul
Tomorrow Is A Long Time: Jane/Dave
Butterflies: Mike/Yvonne
The Night Is Young: Eddie
Ian Robertson: Jerry
Blackwaterside: Jenny
As Time Goes By: Brenda
Tickle Dew: Mick
Sea Cruise: Berry/Ken
Stewball: Les
You Win A Hen: Mave
I'll Never Find Another You: Phine
Deep Blue Sea: Bill
It Doesn't Matter Anymore: David

Nice to see Les, Pam & Phine returning after short absences...
So, that went well and nobody had to die...