Saturday, September 6, 2008

Being the 5th of September 2008...

The Five Stages of Drinking

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "That barmaid is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the toilet you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey lads, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the toilets, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours club. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well.... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Kylie!!!"), you and your friends wind up in The City Folk Club with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil isn't going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A woman with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO NORFOLK!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Kylie?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

Lets look through the square window shall we...?

What Are They Doing In Heaven Today: David
All Among The Barley: Colin
A Patchwork: John
The Ups and Downs: Bill 1.1
Will You?: Mick
What Have They Done To The Rain?: Bill 1.2
A Nightingale Sang In Berkley Square: George
Aged and Mellow: Jasmin
This Land Is Your Land: Ray
Well Well Well: Les
The Hour That Ship Comes In: Mike
Wave Over Wave: Mave
Silver Dagger, Turtle Dove: Ken
Teach Your Children Well: Lynda/Paul
Usgudar: Maggie
Raining In My Heart: Paul
Rhythm Of The Rain/Here Comes The Sun: David
The Blackbird: Colin
All The Lies You Told Me: John
The Merry Blacksmith/The Banshee: Mick
Castles In The Air: Bill 1.2
Hallelujah: Jasmin/George
Fields Of Athenry: Ray
Fort Worth Blues: Les
Farewell Farewell: Mike
Bear-hug Blues: Maggie
How's The World Treating You?: Lynda/Paul
Little Actress: Jasmin
Noah: Paul

Thank you to all of you who braved the appalling weather to attend this evening and...

Congratulations to Mave & Ken for achieving 38 years of married bliss...

6 comments:

Ken MWP said...

Thanks for the congrats. As Mave and I say each year with conscious irony: "that's n uneventful years of unalloyed joy and bliss". And it's been a b*gger of a year so far. Mave is one remarkable woman, not that she doesn't drive me up the wall sometimes, but then also back from the City Folk Club most weeks as well. I know which side my bread's buttered ...

Outa_Spaceman said...

You, Kenneth Hobbs, are a very, very lucky man...

wretched scrivener said...

Jane and I share congrats to Mave and Ken. I envy their 'unalloyed joy and bliss'. Do you give lessons?

It's good to see more activity on the blog. Thank you, David and other contributors.

By the way, this Jasmin has no 'e' on the end.

Goldfish said...

I thought Friday 5th was an exceptionally good evening and those that stayed warm and dry at home will think themselves accurs'd they were not there. Thanks to everyone for the entertainment.

Ken (Very Ordinary Member) said...

Dear Outa_spaceman,
I am lucky, 'tis true (and thank you). However, would you swap your luck for mine?
Dear wretched scrivener,
Thanks, but the irony was not ironic. I could give lessons, but I'm not sure that they'd be of real benefit to anyone else. Buddha said that all life is suffering, and we all do in some measure, but how we feel/cope/deal with it is down to us (nature vs nurture: discuss in another thread).

wretched scrivener said...

Regarding the 'stages of drinking':

You may recall that last week national radio/TV presenters were censured in the news for appearing to glorify the percieved pleasures of alcohol.

Are you an aspiring presenter? You seem well-qualified.

"We'll let you know, Mr. David!"